Depressed, worried and sad – my life as a caregiver

His eyes teared up and so did mine. We both are worried but have to put up a brave front if not she’ll be more afraid.

I’m emotionally drained. I haven’t healed from the last one. I hate diseases. It turns lives upsidedown. Overnight our view to life and death not only changes but it affects how you live daily too. How you eat, walk, talk, think, react, counter-react, and love. Everything changes.

I am tired of being a caregiver but that seems to be my permanent role though. Its emotionally draining. You have to be the rock, watching out for the other one, watching for signs of discomfort and then quickly trying to ease that pain and give comfort. I haven’t started on the hospital and clinic trips yet too. The endless wait for the doctor’s visits – the queues are long. The wait at the pharmacy to collect the medicines (yeah, i had my fair share the last time before i buried her). And then the emotional turmoil when going for tests and waiting for the results.

I don’t know if i am strong enough to go through it again though.

* damn, i feel like crying again. sigh.

Protected: what happened last week, would it open doors?

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Buying clothes (again)

I’m trying to change my wardrobe. Got quite sick of opening it everyday and seeing the same thing. And well, I don’t want to keep wearing the same clothes when i was with him. Petty? You tell me. I think we are all entitled to change and one of the things that’s easy to change is the wardrobe. Not cheap but its easier. I believe I have already spent a few Ks on new clothes. This time another big batch. I reckon this batch will be the last for a long while – for expensive clothes, that is. This clothes-replacement exercise took me almost 2 years and a lot of money. Was it worth it? yes, every cent! Anyway, i’ve cleared out one portion of my old clothes to make space for newer ones. I guess those years I spent on that person so much so that I kinda neglected myself. But playing catch up is not cheap (lah). I still have my old stuff but at least i’ve the new and that’s like what life is about – a bit of the old with a bit of the new.

Me think, clothes define the person that we are – our quirks, habits and practicalities.And even our views to how we live our lives.

Take me for example, i look for clothes in simple lines which are easy to match and comfortable to wear. I love the t-shirts from Bri**** In*** because they wear well. Yes, they look totally sloppy but i haven’t found one that after being packed up in a bundle and worn the next day is able to miraculously irons itself out. The clothes have to be of good fabric because good ones wears well, washes well and looks good. B**G so far suits me best but best bought online. The local prices are crazy.I totally love Karen Millen but they are so expensive. Karen Millen dresses are the few when worn, makes you look thinner than you are.

Anyway, my last buy will be a pair of jeans – blue.

Pray I will have the funds again to do other stuff too. Yes, other stuffs…..

Just to digress. Thoughts about the unfinished book keeps haunting me everyday. Why is that so??? “Its” been bugging me day in, day out. So i’ve just opened the file but have not done any writing yet. But it bugs me like hell. Why? Why? Why?

For money, or for love

Money is not unimportant but its not a be all, end all. What is life if you haven’t experienced love?

I would die happy as I have loved and have been loved, plus the other naughtier things. LOL.

I would rather experience it once then not at all.

Relationships & its longevity

There is a researcher in the US who, by studying one hour of videotaped interaction between husband and wife, can tell with 95% certainty whether the couple will still be together 15 years down the road. There are six main problem indicators but the number one indicator that there is trouble – signs of contempt.

what were the other signs??

Defensiveness, stone-walling and criticism, harsh start-up and flooding etc

Go check out what John Gottman has found out about this. Its quite an eye-opener.

Something someone wrote on their FB

And its something i think is very meaningful.

Letting go doesn’t mean tt u don’t care abt someone anymore. It’s juz realizing tt the ONLY PERSON u really have control over.. IS URSELF. Some people believe stubbornly holding on & hanging in there, R signs of great strength or true love… but it may also be a show of great deception to oneself. It is more important realising tt there R times, when it takes much more strength to know when to let go… & DO IT.

I know so many people who are still in relationships that they ought to have let go of (yes, who am I to say that they should keep or let go, then again….). I find this statement quite profound because it does take courage to walk away.

What do these people do instead? They stick on, soldier on but deep down they know that they have made the wrong decision. And some even end up in loveless marriages.

Sometimes one don’t have to be a hero for people to see…

* oh… was i talking about myself? No but if you wanted to know I was the one that walked away (and never looked back).

I wasn’t nice yesterday and today

Yes, I shouldn’t have said those things but i couldn’t help it. It was THE TRUTH.

Have I healed? To a certain extent but what was done to me and my family was just too much to be put aside. I tell my story with honest truth and in a very as-a-matter-of-fact. We’ve been bitten twice. Not my enemy but not my friend either. Not many knows how much i’ve been through. Suffice to say, it was like those Hong Kong dramas.

Anyway, someone asked me yesterday about it. And I just told the honest truth. No point skirting it or making it look better then it is. I have no obligation to make it rosy looking. I own no one any explanation nor obligation to make things sound politically correct especially after what has been done to me.

Why should I fear the TRUTH when it has set me free.

Can someone cheer me up? Please?

 

Relationships

I notice that when people are in relationships, more often then not they don’t dare get out of it even though they are unhappy because of various reasons:-

1) habit

2) comfort zone

3) fear

4) insecure

5) dependant

6) material goods

7) the thought never crossed their minds to walk away

8) parents/friends expectations

I went through it all and really, there’s no reason why you should put up with the bad just because of the above. I am a much happier person because I walked away. I made my decision and walk away. Yes, it was a difficult decision to make (more so in my situation) but only the brave are happy.

 

I hope my friend makes his decision, sticks to it and be contented with it (rather then being unsettled).